Goldilocks and the Three Little... What?!?!?!

WARNING: This post is purely fictional and is created purely for an exploration of propaganda techniques, as an assignment for a great writing class, and for your very own entertainment. Be warned that this may cause uncontrollable laughter, reckless thoughts, and irritable fantasy syndrome. 

Surely you’ve heard about the problems with bullying nowadays. Does it upset you? Does it upset your children? What about animal abuse – have you seen those tear-wrenching commercials for those poor abused animals in shelters? Have you noticed how more and more children show terrible manners and talk inappropriately nowadays? Do you love your children? Most people are oblivious to the root of these terrible problems, but you shall soon understand that it is all because of that little story that you’ve innocently been reading to your children – Goldilocks and the Three Little Bears. I’m calling out to YOU, to protect your children’s innocence.

When you think of the three little bears, you normally wouldn’t associate it with animal abuse. We’ve always taken the treatment of these animals for granted. You can easily noticed that the bears are... well, living in a human house. Not only is this illogical but incredibly dangerous. Do you want your child to be begging you for a pet bear, to be abusing animals in insufficient environments, and even inviting dangerous creatures into your house? No, you don’t. Only a terrible parent would. You probably have also noticed that the bear family is living together under one roof. It is a fact of nature that all bears live solitarily except for mothers with their cubs. This detrimental element of the story not only teaches incorrect facts, but also leaves inappropriate possibilities of why the father is still living with them. Do you want your child to be getting a bad education and not truly understanding nature? Your child would not know how to react in a dangerous situation with a bear. Their life could depend on this.

To make it even worse, the main character influences children to be snobby and arrogant. This “Goldilocks” girl went for a walk in the forest all alone – an extremely unsafe thing for a little girl to do. Would her parents let her do such a thing or did she run away from home? What would you do if your child did that? Surely you don’t want your kid to hear these kinds of stories. Not only does she run away, but also when she finds an empty stranger’s house, she sneaks in without second thought. A terrible message to your young readers. In the house, she disrespectfully eats all of their porridge, tries out all of their chairs, and sleeps in their beds. She constantly whines when their porridge is too hot or too cold, when their chairs are too big or too small, and when their beds are too hard or too soft. She is aggravated when things are not perfect for her. No one ever invited her in, in the first place! What would you even do if you came home to your house and there was a strange uninvited child stealing your belongings and sleeping in your bed? Surely this child has been infected to the point of believing that this is okay because she read this story. Obviously she is a terrible example for your children.

Not only is Goldilocks a horrid little girl, but how she looks also gives many rude and depressing undertones to the story. She has blond hair. After all, her name is “Goldilocks”. This tells us a lot about how the author stereotypes people. The story perfectly exemplifies how the little blond girl doesn’t use her mind and gets into risky situations. Do you want your child to feel discriminated against from an early age just because of her hair color? Lets now examine what she is wearing. Blue – an accepted color of sadness and depression in many societies. Even looking at the finely hand painted picture books (of “Goldilocks”) makes children feel depressed. She is also wearing an apron – an obvious stereotype for an isolated and exhausted housewife. Do you really want you and your child to feel so isolated, exhausted, hated, discriminated, and depressed by just looking at Goldilocks right before bed? Of course not, because you’re a good parent.

Now you may think that this bedtime story is extremely vulgar, but what you’ve just heard isn’t even half of it. You may have wondered why Goldilocks keeps on coming back for more porridge when the first two bowls she tries are already bad. Obviously the porridge has been spiked with some sort of illegal narcotic. That could explain why she proceeds in such unusual and drowsy behavior – trying out chairs for no reason and falling asleep in their bed. She also spends the majority of her time at the bears’ house around their beds. We can only imagine the inappropriate undertones here. She’s only a little girl. This is a terrible thing for children to read about – especially at such a young age. 

Thankfully now we understand the root of all the corruption going on with our youth. It would be terrible to have to watch our children grow up into a world based on these sorts of values, but you can change this. Remember, we don’t have the problem, the people who read this book do. This is an urgent matter but with your help we can raise above Goldie and those poor three bears. You know you can and I do too.